Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Thank you.

I met a woman the other day. An older, sweet, lovely, kind woman whom I will never forget. We spoke about having to put our dogs down, abortion, and overall traumatic events/feelings. This was a conversation I didn't know I needed to have. Something about hearing "You made the right choice." with the upmost sincerity and then being hugged, it made everything okay. We laughed together. We cried together. She even told me she loved me as a person simply based on our interaction. This woman quite literally made a huge difference in my soul. I wish I hadn't gotten so carried away... I didn't even get her name.

Thank you.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Today he is yours.

My dearest little one,

Mommy never got a chance to know you. She, I, was scared for many reasons. The details of why don't matter. They can't and won't change the fact that you're not here with me. Your father and I took what many are calling the easy way out. I can't explain how hard of a decision it was for me to make or how much it weights on me, even after all these years. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I'm constantly fighting off tears of loss, regret, guilt. I wanted you. I wanted to be your mommy. I was scared and weak. I'm left with the biggest hole in my soul. You took a piece of me with you that day. I tell myself I deserve this pain. I also tell myself that one day you'll come back to me. Return with that missing piece of my soul and forgive me for being so scared, so weak. That one day you'll be ready to have me as your mommy (again).

Until then, I love you - my sweet little.


Today marks 8 years since I entered that clinic and signed away your life. Today also marks the day I'd like to introduce you to Teddybear Snarfles. He lived many years before me and 2.5 with me, full of love and spoils. Today he is yours. I hope the two of you can bring eachother comfort and love.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

As she laid in bed unable to sleep, she started to miss him.
And her.
And them.
She also began to understand that she was the reason it had to end.
It was her all along.
Each and every time, it was her.
She let go a long time ago and no one has been able to hold her since.
Truly hold her.
She was the reason for her loneliness.
Her unhappiness was of her own making.